It's hard to
believe that it has been so many centuries since the developer RELIGION
released the popular "Church" franchise. With thousands of
different versions making their way to platforms all over the world, how does
the latest iteration in the series hold up?
As it turns out, Church 2013 is a
mixed bag and this once interesting life-improvement simulator is now showing
its age and inability to innovate more than ever before. In fact, Church 2013
is practically an unplayable mess.
Most of the
gameplay in Church 2013 involves sitting, standing or kneeling while endless
dialogue cutscenes go on and on. Using real-world currency, players are often
prompted to enhance their status within Church 2013 or purchase "Unlimited
Life" in the rumoured New Game+ DLC. Unfortunately, I have found that
almost none of these purchases seem to improve my character no matter how many
times I have paid.
For a title
that promises ease of use, this system is broken at best and seems to value
only the richest of players. Loot drops are few and far between, although the
optional Bread & Wine Eucharist sidequest is always present despite having
little to no effect on my character. And that's not helping the ridiculous
storylines, which waiver from hilariously over-the-top and entertaining to
convoluted, hypocritical and offensive. How exactly is the Woman character
class created using merely a rib from the Man character class? And why is she
programmed to be so helpless and underpowered when compared to the Man
character class who even goes as far as to command full control of her
character and decision tree during the baby introduction stages. And why are the two players permanently punished for seeking additional Tutorial
information during the Eden campaign? None of these questions are ever really answered
even though the developers seem content with assuming their actions are not
only unquestionable, but completely definitive.
Meanwhile,
while the soundtrack may seem deep and influential, most of the songs are just
uninspired remixes of the in-game narrative mumbled pointlessly by the NPC's.
The entire lyrics sheet to Church 2013's main theme "Hallelujah" for
example, is really just the song's title repeated over and over at different
lengths and octaves, which is lazy at best. Church 2013's sound design is
repetitive, with most of the audio coming from an organ and one vocalist. It is
worth noting that the Blackchurch mod
adds happier characters and electric guitar.
It's
honestly hard to imagine how much longer this franchise can go on for, as
little to no improvements are made to it annually and it seems to be holding
the genre back more than helping it. Church 2013 is rated E for Everyone and
playable for people of all ages although most modern players may find the title
to seem strange and incoherent when compared to some of the more contemporary
offerings such as Science 2013, Logic 2013 and Facts 2013. Additionally,
younger players may find Church 2013 to be scary and intimidating as they are
more susceptible to physical and
emotional damage from the Priest character classes. In a time where players
have dozens of better options to choose from, Church 2013 feels like a giant clunky
step backwards.
Church 2013 is a Massively Multiplayer, free-to-pray simulator
that is not compatible with atheist, tolerant, agnostic or same-sex systems.
Grade: 3.5 /
10
Wksc.
